I was at a rowing regatta a while back.
I love the water and I love water sports. (I don’t mean I do them: I just love them.)
At regattas, I tend to get caught up in all the excitement as the rowing teams pilot their sleek crafts down the river, the coxswain shouting a hearty “Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!” while the crowd cheers.
At this particular regatta, I was also shouting ‘Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!’ with great enthusiasm, while bouncing around on the shore line.
Then I noted a couple of bystanders looking at me with expressions of concern. Later, one of them kindly explained why.
“Well, actually, we weren’t totally sure whether you were rooting for a team – or having one.”
It was obviously time, once again, to contemplate the challenges of getting this body, which has definitely been built for comfort, bent back into shape.
Everyone knows that some kind of activity – workouts and stretches, jogging and running, toting barges and lifting bales – on a regular basis, is good for you. The media, health gurus, Dr. Oz, all claim this, so it must be true.
But why does getting bent back into shape have to be so…so physical?
Based on my own selected experiences with most forms of fitness, I actually have some suggestions.
1. The Gym Tights Twist
Purchase some official black work out tights marked XXXXL. Suppress an initial misgiving that they still appear only big enough for one leg.
Schedule a private fitness class in the local gym, but arrange to get to the locker room about 60 minutes early to change into your “work out clothes” (ensuring there will be no casual witnesses.)
While sitting on the really narrow wooden benches, which appear to be a fixture in gyms, firmly wedge one foot into one skinny leg of the work out tights and push vigorously.
Rapidly discover that your foot will definitely not enter farther into the tights than the region of the knee and attempt to withdraw said foot. Discover it will not withdraw.
Immediately push and pull even more vigorously at the work out tights, in the course of which somehow manage to wedge the other foot into the so-called stretchy material.
Stumble from the bench to the floor and roll awkwardly around the locker room several times, incidentally providing your lungs with an additional work out while you shout out an extensive collection of really descriptive blue words. (In both official languages, of course – it is Canada 150).
Continue this activity for about 35 minutes, or until the private fitness instructor arrives and is eventually able to locate a pair of scissors. First exercise complete.
2. The Basement Bounce
Pick up a really large basket stuffed full of laundry which must soon be either washed or cremated.
Walk carefully down the basement steps. Make it to the very last step but two.
Then slip, landing on that part of your anatomy which is most padded, and bounce the rest of the way down the basement cement.
This should trim inches off your posterior.
An added bonus – the Pick Up Stretch. This is where you spend 20 minutes picking up all the grungy clothing which was tossed into the air during the initial part of your workout. Second Exercise completed.
3. The Fat Burning Work Out
Decide, despite the pleas of friends, family, neighbours and the local fire department, that you are going to sauté a steak.
“Pooh! Pooh!” the person who tentatively asks if you actually know the meaning of the cooking term sauté. (If it involves roasting something, how hard can it be to turn the heat up high and go from there?)
Leave the pan on the lit burner for a couple of minutes while you search for a corkscrew. (Priorities). Return to the stove, and drop a huge dollop of butter as well as the steak into the pan at the same time.
The “fat burning” all over the kitchen, as a consequence, will be both on the stove, and on your body as you leap to locate the fire extinguisher and wrestle with smothering the flames. Exercise three completed.
4. The Stomp/Hop
This particular exercise seems to be popular with all ages. Generally it is carried out, day or night, each time people attempt to enjoy local beaches, any waterfront walkways or bike paths, most area golf courses, or basically just any open green field anywhere.
First you put your foot down firmly, discover something squishy and green is under it, lift that foot high and recognize that said squishy stuff is goose poo. This realization should be followed by vigorous hopping on one leg, shouting, and possibly a mad and pointless dash after our feathered friends. Exercise four completed.
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