W. Gibb
So, I was going through my emails when I found a notice for another meeting.
I get a lot of meeting notices. Many, many of them.
Biblical proportion meeting notices, actually.
I suspect that most of us in this day and age do.
After all, if you hold a job, own a business, volunteer, join a club, a guild, a union, any professional organization, a choir, a team, a project, if you dance, skate, eat, drink, make merry, or bird watch… well, you name it, there’s a meeting involved.
Meetings are vital. They’re crucial even. Society couldn’t function without them. No decisions would be made, no steps would be taken if well-meaning, well-intentioned people didn’t get together to “hash things out.”
Meetings keep the world turning.
But there are some types of meetings that sort of linger in one’s mind.
During a recent meeting, I drifted just a bit and began to contemplate the entire nature of these meetings.
This reverie led to my creating the Gibb List of Meeting Characteristics, a document which everyone will want to take to his next meeting.
1. I Do It My Way
These meetings are generally billed in advance as an opportunity for an ‘open sharing’ of thoughts, ideas and opinions.
You quickly learn, however, that this will not, in fact, be the case.
This happens five minutes in, when the person chairing the meeting begins his remarks with, “Well, I’ve always felt that the way we did things in East Gopher Snout in ‘63 was just about perfect. And as my Granny put up the money for this entire project and your salaries, I think we can all agree that…”
Best to just nod… a lot.
2. Sharing
The folks calling this sort of meeting are often good-hearted and genuine.
They truly believe that the best way to run a meeting is for everyone to get in touch with their innermost feelings, and then share those feelings with others around the table.
They often pass out flowers.
These meetings begin with a sincere “Now, to bring the group together, we would like every one of you 40 people present to each tell the group one interesting thing about yourself that you have never, ever shared with anyone else.
And, after that, we will take time to meditate thoughtfully on these shared truths, before we actually tackle our agenda.”
I have found that the best way to move this meeting directly to the agenda is to make an announcement to this effect when it is my turn to share. (Be sure to include appropriate pained expressions.)
“This is just such a lovely moment, and you are all such lovely people at this meeting, that I feel I must share with you an intimate little detail about myself.
Whenever I must sit at a meeting for more than 32 minutes, I develop what my doctor describes as exuberant, endlessly prolonged flatulence. Better out than in, he always says, and I so agree with him.”
We almost always move immediately to item one on the agenda.
3. Age Gaps
This is the moment, fairly common in start-up or youthful companies, when you realize that you don’t have a clue what the apparent teenagers gathered at the meeting table are talking about, and they don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.
Here’s a simple test to determine whether this is a meeting you should gracefully exit as soon as possible.
Casually mention to the crowd how much you really enjoyed the colourful adventures of Bing and Bob on your television the other night.
If the teen chairing the meeting eagerly asks you if that is the new interactive video game he’s heard so much about, time to move on.
(Thanks for the memories, Crosby and Hope.)
4. The Mission Statement Meeting
Yes, I know. A mission statement can be very important. But does anyone else feel that agreeing upon, then creating the wording for any mission statement is like a foretaste of Dante’s Inferno?
Managing to get two attendees to agree on even a tiny section of the mission statement can be a miracle.
Generally speaking you can’t get the (never fewer than) 50 people gathered at the meetings to even agree on seating arrangements, let alone a “vision for the future.”
Mission statement meetings always go down hill swiftly.
Violent quarrels can erupt over whether, in sentence 306A, “and” should be changed to “but” or “we” to “We.” Then there’s the guy who wants to include an anti smoking sidebar in every statement. You can anticipate calls for a minimum of 23 more meetings to get the document font just right…
Oops, I have to go.
I have a meeting scheduled.
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