The Many Coloured Goat

 

My friend told this story.

He’s well over 85, claims he’s at an age where good Scotch anytime is never a mistake, and is quite, quite deaf.

However, he refuses to wear hearing aids because he maintains they “make him look old.”

He may also be a bit of a pagan, I think.

For whatever reason, a while back on a Sunday he wandered into a particularly large, urban church (“the building shook a wee bit when I went through the door,” he said, straight-faced, a hint of the Irish still in his voice), and opted to sit in the very back pew. 

Much later he discovered that, coincidentally, this particular church’s elderly minister was also quite deaf. Apparently he too refused to wear his hearing aids. 

This is my friend’s version of the sermon he “heard” that day concerning, he earnestly informed those of us gathered around him, “a many coloured goat.”

“Yon reverend began his sermon in fine form. He bellowed so loudly the front two pews cowered and the stained glass windows rattled. Then he dropped his voice: t’was like watching a TV with the mute button on, so I may have missed the odd bit here and there.

It seems the reverend was very concerned with this fellow called Joseph, whose father, I gather, had given the boy a many coloured goat. 

How you could possess a many coloured goat I have no idea, unless someone in Joseph’s family was into tie-dying! Still, the beast seemed to be very popular, as Joseph’s 12 brothers – or maybe it was 20 – a family with healthy reproductive habits anyway – all wanted it.

I’m a bit unclear about just what happened next, as the reverend roared and muted about equally.

Either a fist fight or a football game broke out between the boys.   I did, however, catch that the upshot of it all was young Joseph ended up in a hole. 

His brothers then took to quarrelling over how to divide up the many coloured goat, which struck me as rather painful, and possibly terminal, for the poor beast.

Now it seems these Egyptian paraders happened to pass by, possibly on their way, I would guess, to a concert. And Joseph’s brothers decided to sell him to them. (Mounties frown on such activities nowadays, you know!)

So the minister said they sold the poor lad. 

Just him, mind you, not the many coloured goat which I personally think would have been a much more interesting object to take to any concert.

The paraders transported Joseph to Egypt and eventually he ended up in some kind of grand mansion, doing odd jobs in the kitchen and keeping the bathrooms tidy. 

I may have missed a bit here. Still, the reverend was very passionate about it all since he roared a fair bit.

The Big House was owned by a rock group called Pharoah (where do they get these names? Just like Rolling Stones or Glass Tiger!) and Joseph managed to become indispensable to the lead fellow.

Joseph also began having psychic dreams (which made me wonder if yon Pharoah kept some illicit substances about the kitchen!). But the dreams came true. And it seems young Joseph got quite a reputation and moved up in the world fast. 

I did catch that there were cows involved in several of the dreams, a nice contrast, I thought, to many coloured goats. Carrying on the animal theme in the sermon, I suppose.

Well the good reverend’s vocals got a bit faint here, and when next I caught up to his sermon,  Joseph’s nasty brothers were cowering at Joseph’s feet, their crimes laid bare for all to see. 

Now I’m thinking at the very least a few well placed smacks in the nose for the lot of them. But no. Joseph actually forgave them! Mind you, he let them stew a bit, which to my mind was only fair.

I gathered from his reverence that the moral of the tale is that the good Lord very definitely loves a forgiving sort of man. And it seems to me that He also has a true soft spot for livestock.

As for that many coloured goat, which appeared to be at the back of everything that happened, well, I hope he lived a long and healthy life, and in the end, had plenty of…kids.”