Hallowe’en Costumes…for real! -Gibberish Column


I planned to go out this year for Hallowe’en. It was my intention to join all the other kids and collect some serious Spooktacular “loot”.

The truth is I actually love trashy Hallowe’en Kisses. You know those hard, brown, lumpy, “sort of maple flavoured” chewies, which come wrapped in the cheap orange and black paper? 

(I’ve actually seen those Kisses gleefully featured as the glossy centrefold in several orthodontics trade magazines). 

However, Turkish toffee crunches and chocolate bars are also favourites of mine at Hallowe’en. Popcorn balls can be good especially if they’re covered in caramel, and I’ve never turned up my nose at conventional Tootsie Rolls or O Henrys. Then there’s chips, cheesies, milk chocolate sweet bars…

Ah, the stuff of fantasy!

Best of all, Hallowe’en remains the one day of the year when you can show up on the neighbours’ doorsteps with your (three or more) pillowcases, and they actually have to give you goodies! 

They can’t unleash the hounds or set the Neighbourhood Watch on you. 

So I was seriously contemplating  heading out for a rapturous night in Candyland, when I realized, in the spirit of playing fair, that I would need to put on a costume.

Where to look for inspiration? 

(I draw the line at something so trite, so shop worn, so unimaginative as dressing up as a ‘Ghost’ at my age. 

Besides, I threw out the bedsheets from last year.)

I was actually reaching for a magazine called Creative Costumes for Tiny Tots, when I accidentally knocked down the latest women’s fashion magazine, and it fell open. 

If the clothes I saw pictured in this glossy mag represent the latest fashion trends, I needed to look no further for a Hallowe’en costume!

Eat your hearts out, conventional witches, Transformers, Pixies, Spidermen, Pirates and King Kongs. 

Fashion trends for 2017 have you beat for sheer shock value. 

On page six, a fantastic combination of bangles, checks, plaids and stripes was sewn together to make – exactly one pair of skin tight pants. And the “matching top” to the pants had a large pink flamingo emblazoned on the front and what I assume was a shrunken head knitted on to the back. 

Terrific costume. Lots of shock value.

I flipped a few more pages.

I briefly considered the potential of a mid calf pant suit, in hot purple, with a diamond studded tie and a solid silver belt, until I noticed that it was being shown in the Sartorial Men of the Month section.

Perhaps, I thought, I should go out for Hallowe’en dressed as a kind of “Princess.” 

I turned to the magazine section featuring the latest styles in  evening gowns.

I thought it best to rule out the gown which had its rear end cut out.  Likewise the one cut so high that it would have exposed parts of my anatomy that even my doctor has never seen.

Another gown was clearly the product of molting season –  whether of a bird or a snake, I am not sure.

And if someone like me appeared in the blinding, florescent, red trailing number on page 46, with its attached shoulder mini lights,  I suspect cars would pull over to the side of the road to let me go through at intersections.  

I also noticed that the models for all these exotic looks for 2017 were on the average 6.5 feet tall.  Without the three inch heeled thigh boots. 

I also don’t know just how young the magazine models were, but they all had names like Zendaya, Lupita, Cara Nova, ChloeBelle, and my personal favourite, Frederikke von Bosom. (I am not sure, but I think Frederikke had a teething ring attached to her wrist.)

Frankly, any of the clothes on the pages of this Haute Couture fashion magazine would have made terrific Hallowe’en costumes. 

Ultimately, the only thing which held me back from creating a genuine Spooktacular sensation among the other trick or treaters in South Dundas this Hallowe’en was the mere $3,860 that a zebra and mongoose panelled crepe cape would have cost me!

I found the old bed sheets rolled up in the basement. 

When people asked, I referred to my look for the evening as a Retro Hallowe’en costume. 

Candy is candy, after all!

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