GIBBerish February 13

 

Men's Practical Guide to Valentine's Day!

No need to panic. February 14 is tomorrow. There’s still time to locate the perfect Valentine’s Day gift for your significant other. 

However, I should point out that, fair or not, the onus for creating a perfect romantic Day, falls squarely on men’s shoulders. Sorry, guys, but that’s just the way it is. It’s up to you to make this whole hearts and flowers thing work, at least on this one day of the year.

On the bright side, somehow get the right gift, and you might just be able to slide on all those past forgotten anniversaries and birthdays. Choose the wrong gift… well, you recall those -25 C nights this winter? Think colder. And longer.

Practical Rule One: Flowers are always nice. However, you may have waited a little too long to pick some up. The flower shops could be cleaned out. This may, therefore, necessitate an emergency run to the grocery store. 

Under no circumstances, pick up a bouquet that is marked “50 per cent off. Priced for quick sale,” and then forget to take the tag off. And let me emphasize, that if you are trying to “say it with flowers,” presenting her with a cactus is always a mistake.

Practical Rule Two: Never give a woman something she needs on Valentine’s Day (exceptions, a pass to an exclusive spa, a Caribbean cruise). Now you may think a new dish drainer and a scrub brush are just the thing. Wrong. A friend of mine once presented his wife with a sander for Valentine’s Day. He honestly thought she needed one.

He earnestly assures me that he spent about a month, rather worried about just what she was planning to…sand.

No, your gift must be something she wants, something she dreams of. Good luck.

Practical Rule Three: Giving your beloved tickets to a very special event, one that she might even share with you, has potential. However, you need to think this through. Handing her an envelope with “Honey, I got us the last two tickets to Fuzzy McBeard’s seminar, Ripping Tales of the Moose Hunt,” might be a mistake.

Practical Rule Four: Chocolate. Not the ‘three bars for a buck’, but something European, decadent. Do not, however, under any circumstances, jovially remark, as you present the candy, “A few extra laps on the old exercise bike will soon get those extra pounds off.”

Practical Rule Five: The romantic, candle-lit, home-made dinner. Make certain that pizza delivery boxes and/or crumpled fast food bags are not on the counter. Get down the cook book your grandmother gave you 20 years ago (still in the original wrapper) and puzzle out one of the exciting recipes, written in a language with which you are completely unfamiliar.

This could be the evening your beloved and you will never forget. Especially if the two of you get to spend it with the local volunteer fire department. 

Still, as a consolation, now, at least, you will know what the term flambé means.

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